I Think My Child Might Be Neurodivergent. What Do I Do Next?
Updated: Sep 14
Wondering whether your child might be autistic, have ADHD or experience other neurodevelopmental differences can leave you with lots of questions. Here's where to start, what to notice and why you don't need to have all the answers yet.
Maybe you've been wondering for a while.
Perhaps school has raised something.
Perhaps school has told you that they don't see anything, while you're at home wondering whether you're actually talking about the same child.
Maybe your child is struggling with friendships, emotions, attention, sensory overwhelm, school or everyday demands.
Or perhaps you've started learning more about autism or ADHD and found yourself thinking:
Hang on. This sounds a lot like my child.
And once that thought enters your head, it can be surprisingly difficult to know what to do with it.
Do you speak to school?
Do you go to the GP?
Do you need an assessment?
Are you overthinking it?
Should you wait and see?
Is it anxiety?
ADHD?
Autism?
Are they just going through a difficult stage?
Welcome to the slightly bewildering world of wondering whether your child might be neurodivergent.
First: you don't need to know the answer yet
This is probably the most important thing I can tell parents at this stage.
You don't need to decide whether your child is autistic or has ADHD.
You don't need to become an expert in diagnostic criteria.
And you definitely don't need to build a watertight case before you're allowed to ask for help.
At this point, your job is really just to be curious.
What am I noticing?
When does my child seem to struggle?
When do they thrive?
What seems to take more effort for them than I would expect?
Those questions are often much more useful than immediately trying to work out which diagnostic box something belongs in.
Look for patterns, not individual behaviours
One of the difficulties with reading about autism or ADHD online is that almost everybody can relate to individual traits.
Lots of children get distracted.
Lots of children don't like being told no.
Lots of children have strong interests.
Lots of children find certain noises annoying.
Lots of children come home from school in a terrible mood.
None of those things in isolation tells us very much.
We're much more interested in the pattern.
How frequently does something happen?
How intense is it?
How long has it been happening?
Does it occur in particular environments?
What happens before and afterwards?
How much support does your child need compared with other children of a similar age?
And importantly:
What impact is it having on them?
Neurodivergence doesn't always look how people expect
We still have some fairly narrow stereotypes about autism and ADHD.
ADHD isn't simply a child bouncing around a classroom.
Autism isn't simply a child who doesn't want friends or who cannot communicate.
Some neurodivergent children are loud, impulsive and visibly struggling.
Others are quiet, anxious, perfectionistic and desperate not to get anything wrong.
Some children have obvious difficulties from very early childhood.
Others cope reasonably well until the social, academic or organisational demands around them increase.
Some children appear completely different depending on where they are.
Which brings us to one of the conversations I have with parents rather frequently...
“School says they're absolutely fine”
This can be incredibly confusing.
At home, you might see meltdowns, tears, anger, exhaustion, refusal, sensory overwhelm or a child who seems to completely fall apart.
Then you speak to school and hear:
“We don't see any of that here.”
That doesn't automatically mean school is wrong.
And it doesn't mean you're wrong either.
Children can function very differently across environments.
School provides structure, routine, clear expectations and predictability that some children find helpful.
Children may also work extremely hard to hold things together during the school day.
They might copy other children.
Stay quiet.
Follow rules meticulously.
Avoid asking for help.
Suppress discomfort.
Or simply use enormous amounts of energy getting through the day.
Then they arrive home.
And everything comes out.
Sometimes home is where a child feels safe enough to stop holding everything together.
So rather than asking “Who is seeing the real child?”, it can be much more useful to ask:
“Why does this child function so differently in these two environments?”
That difference is information.
Look underneath behaviour
This is one of the biggest shifts I encourage parents to make.
Behaviour tells us that something is happening.
It doesn't necessarily tell us what.
A child refusing to get dressed might be being “difficult”.
Or the clothes might feel unbearable against their skin.
A child refusing school might be “avoiding”.
Or school might have become socially, sensory or emotionally overwhelming.
A child ignoring an instruction might be “not listening”.
Or they may not have processed what was said, may have become distracted halfway through it, or may be struggling to shift attention from what they were already doing.
A child having a huge reaction to a seemingly tiny problem might be “overreacting”.
Or that tiny problem might simply have been the final demand placed on an already overloaded nervous system.
This doesn't mean every behaviour should be attributed to neurodivergence.
Children are still children.
Sometimes they genuinely just don't want to put their shoes on.
But becoming curious about what sits beneath behaviour, about what the behaviour is communicating can completely change how we respond to it.
Notice strengths too
When parents become worried about their child, it is very easy for every conversation to become about difficulties.
Assessment forms don't always help with this.
Suddenly you're spending an extraordinary amount of time documenting everything your child finds difficult and very little time thinking about what is brilliant about them.
Neurodevelopmental assessment should include both.
What makes your child light up?
What can they focus on for hours?
What makes them laugh?
What are they knowledgeable about?
When do they seem most relaxed?
Who do they connect with?
What environments bring out the best in them?
What do other people appreciate about them?
Strengths aren't something we add at the end of an assessment to make everybody feel better.
They are part of understanding the child.
Talk to your child's school or nursery
If you're beginning to wonder about neurodivergence, it can be useful to ask what other people are noticing.
Rather than simply asking:
“Do you think my child has ADHD?”
try asking more specific questions.
How do they manage multi-step instructions?
What happens during unstructured times?
How do they manage changes?
Do they need reminders?
How are friendships going?
Do they ask for help?
What happens when work is difficult?
Are there particular lessons or environments where they function differently?
Do they appear tired or overwhelmed?
Specific questions tend to give you much more useful information than asking someone to make a diagnostic judgement.
And remember, differences between home and school don't invalidate either perspective.
Be careful with the internet rabbit hole
I say this with affection because I understand how easy this one is.
You start by Googling:
“Signs of ADHD in children.”
Forty-five minutes later you're reading about dopamine, sensory processing, pathological demand avoidance and whether your child's refusal to eat yogurt containing fruit pieces in 2019 was an early developmental sign.
Information can be incredibly empowering.
It can also become overwhelming.
Social media has done a lot to improve awareness of neurodivergence, particularly presentations that were historically missed.
But a 30-second Reel cannot tell you whether your child is autistic or has ADHD.
Use online information to generate questions, rather than expecting it to provide definitive answers.
Do we need an assessment?
Maybe.
But assessment isn't necessarily the first or only useful step.
Some families already have a very clear pattern of longstanding difficulties and are ready to pursue formal assessment.
Others aren't sure.
Sometimes there are several possible explanations.
Anxiety, trauma, learning differences, sleep difficulties, language or communication needs and other psychological or developmental factors can overlap with autism and ADHD.
And, of course, children can experience more than one of these things.
A good assessment shouldn't begin with:
“Let's prove this child has ADHD/autism.”
It should begin with:
“Let's understand this child.”
The diagnostic question is part of that understanding, but it shouldn't be the whole of it.
You can support your child before you have a diagnosis
This is really important.
You don't need to wait for a report before responding to what your child is showing you.
If transitions are difficult, make them more predictable.
If verbal instructions disappear into the ether, reduce the number of steps and use visual reminders.
If certain sensory environments consistently overwhelm them, consider how those demands can be changed.
If they need movement to regulate themselves, allow movement.
If they struggle to identify when they're becoming overwhelmed, help them begin recognising the earlier signs.
Support should be based on need, not simply on whether somebody has formally named that need yet.
As a psychologist and a parent, I understand the uncertainty
My interest in neurodivergence isn't purely professional.
I have ADHD myself and I'm also a parent within a neurodivergent family.
So I understand something of both sides of this process.
Professionally, I know the importance of gathering information carefully, considering different explanations and avoiding jumping to a diagnosis.
As a parent, I also understand the much less clinical experience of thinking:
I know my child. Something isn't adding up here.
You can simultaneously trust your knowledge of your child and remain open-minded about what the explanation might be.
Start with curiosity
If you're wondering whether your child might be neurodivergent, you don't have to solve everything immediately.
Begin with noticing.
Asking questions.
Talking to other people who know your child.
Think about patterns of behaviour.
Look at where they struggle.
Look at where they thrive.
And perhaps most importantly, try to stay curious about what your child's behaviour might be communicating.
The goal isn't to find a label as quickly as possible.
It's to understand your child more clearly.
And if an autism or ADHD diagnosis eventually forms part of that understanding, it should help you see more of your child, not less.
Not Sure What Your Child Needs?
At I.N. Therapy Berkshire, we provide comprehensive, neuroaffirming autism and ADHD assessments for children and young people.
We also offer focused support for parents who want to better understand their neurodivergent or potentially neurodivergent child and develop practical approaches that work for their individual family.
If you're unsure whether your child needs an assessment, you can also book a standalone Neurodevelopmental Consultation to talk through what you've been noticing and consider the most appropriate next step.
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